The Black Shades Of Grey Love.....

Have you ever felt that one drop of blood rushing through your veins, eager to spill out of the wound of agony, quenching on to your skin as it dries, leaving behind a painful structure like that of a broken heart. My wound is no dfferent from that, though it is symbolic in nature with respect to its sour outbursts of emotions with each other. Its like my mind is providng for a family of debauchery the retains sadistic pleasures in my state of misery.

The times have become dark, shades of grey are seeming black and with every second the clock ticks. My heart's beating faster, pulse is racing, breath is lost, vision is blurred. A hundred wrinkles on my palm turn to a thousand and I see my hand gone through the window, shattering every hope of kinds, belief of the minds but endless sorrow and frustration, raging through my pulsating chest, but no physical pain is felt. The eyes are dry even as my hand lays unmoved among the shattered pieces, which once I put together  to create the perfect dream for me and you. The morning once blushed everytime you said “Good Morning”, and now the days start at dusk until the dawn breaks a pale yellow shadow over the nights of atheistic condolences, blames on destiny and curses of luck.No more madness is left in me to enjoy your divine touch I felt on my soul every now and then.

Standing on this road all I see are my feet, with no relevance to the next few steps I shall take. Without leaving behind footsteps, I shall keep walking, no matter what the result, I will deal with it, face first. I will call out to my protector, look him in the eye and not ask why, but tell him, that Im ready now for his battle of sorts, I will fight till the last breath in my soul survives. Every wound I procure shall be a testimony of my love for you, whether seen or not, shall leave no marks on the body, but will quench the life out of every beating heart when they’l l hear the cries of the soul, like that of a hell beaten mistress, crawling her way to be able to sit upright when lashes are thrown at her back to back, so untamed and passionate is the will of her love, like ours, still crawling to sit upright and sip the fountain of youth, splashing eternity at our feet,  we shall be....

Just Another Love Letter….

Dear Love,

                  Its been 2190 days, 52560 hours, 3153600 minutes and 189216000 seconds since I last saw you in person. Its been 3102.5 days, 74460 hours, 4467600 minutes and 268056000 seconds since I first saw you and started believing in love at first sight. These are just numbers, compared to what I have truly felt for you in all this time. People came and people went, but all that remained was my first love. To this date I feel exactly the same way I felt 8 ½ years ago.

I still remember that day when you first walked in to our classroom as the ‘New Student’. Short hair, silky; skinny but a tall girl; with a face that reflected pure innocence and integrity. You looked at me while walking towards our teacher. You had that very typical smile of yours on your lips. That was the very moment, I told myself that she is the one. Even before the teacher could say your name, I had built us in a frame. Everyday since that day I came to school on time for the morning assembly, just to catch your first glimpse. I would try and stand in a place from where I could see you clearly. As you would say the morning prayers just like everyone else I would keep peep with one eye every now and then, just to look at you pray. You do know that I was the worst student anyone could ever be, but I would listen and just listen to every word you would say, whether it was an answer or a poem you recited. Whenever you spoke to me, my heart would beat like with double the speed that it actually should have. I tried my level best to be as funny as possible just to make you laugh and with a selfish intention to see you laugh, it was like the sole concern of the day back then. One day, I made a mistake of telling one of my friends that I really liked you. And the moron went up to you and told you even before I could. I remember that day clearly; after school you were standing with your best friend behind your school bus. You called my name out loud, and asked me to come there, I nodded and just walked towards you. I was petrified, I could somehow sense, that someone had told you my little secret, which I never intended to. As I walked closer to you my eyes started to blur and a deep rush just went past my head as you had turned me down. I simply turned and walked away, embarrassed of what I had done, unknowingly but still. Then I tried to persuade you over and over again with crazy things like calling you up on your landline at evening hours, climbing on to your school bus and shouting that I love you, to trying for the final time after our exams got over, hoping to get a different answer. But god had planned the same answer for me, from you over and over again. I thought to myself that it probably was for the best, for you and me, and decided to move on. But what I didn’t realize was that moving on was a condition of the mind and not the heart.

Months went by, and it was time for the school to open the next day. I sat on my window that whole evening, thinking of you, your smile, your laugh, your voice and your innocence. How you would laugh and giggle all the time and make me smile, hiding the pressures you had been under to be the best. I could see it, the clarity in your thoughts and actions was not a result of your happy nature, but how a diamond is born from the greatest pressures a lump of coal has to withstand. The very next day, I couldn’t to wait to see you again. And I did indeed, you looked so pretty. Your hair had grown a bit longer and you had left it open. I was taken away once again with your beauty of simplicity. But to my bad luck our classes were shuffled and you were no longer in my class. I was very sad, but then when I saw you again during the morning prayers, that way I always did. All the worries just went away in thin air, like nothing ever happened. In course of time I “moved on” and made a new girlfriend. But destiny spoke of something else, we were put together in one of our class subjects. To say, I would be always sitting next to my girlfriend, but mostly the table right opposite yours divided by a thin ply. I would peek every now and then, and think that there can never be anything as beautiful as you every time I looked at you. Sometimes when we would bump into each other in the corridors, we awkwardly exchanged greetings, but never spoke a word apart from it. There were times in between after a while when we did have brief conversations about random things I didn’t even listen to, as I was busy admiring you or saving you from the brisk streams. Those two years just flew by, and I didn’t even realize that it was time for us to bid goodbye, and I would never be able to have even a brief conversation with you or even see you for that matter of fact. I remember that last day perfectly, overly distressed I hit my hand on the rikshaw meter so hard that it dislocated my little finger a bit. But the pain that thought gave me was much greater than the pain I felt in my palm. The day was over I was sad and lonely when I reached home, tired of the battle of agony I slept keeping calm.

Days passed, turned to months, then years. Did not even come to know how 5 yrs went by. I had a new girlfriend in between the period whom I was with for 4 years, thinking that she could be the one to take your place my love. But I was proved wrong then again, she lied to me, cheated me for no reason whatsoever. I was sad again, my business had shut down, my girlfriend turned out to be a cheater. I thought I had lost everything and there it was, your picture on my social profile. I jumped with joy, to this day remember that feeling I had when you accepted my request and your best friend didn’t. I waited for a few days everyday till you were finally available to chat. And boy was that one month the best month of my life or what! We would chat hours nonstop. We then exchanged phone numbers, and the virtual chat became text messages. Text messages became intimate conversations over long distance calls. It all moved so fast, that I was scared to lose you again to my luck. Then you asked me, “Will we always talk like we do now, promise me nothing would change.” My eyes were moist, I didn’t know what to reply to you. I wrote, “I love you” on my text screen, stared at it for a few seconds and then deleted it. Then replied to you saying, “why would we, ofcourse we won’t.” and sent it to you. I tried to come and meet you several times, but something or the other kept coming up with you and we were not able to meet. One day, you told me that you were going to move to a new town for a new job and will be in my city for a few hours on the way. I thought to myself that finally I will be able to see you after a hell of a long time and began grooming myself like a maniac. I wanted it to be perfect this time. I made plans for places to go to, a walk on the beach, everything was just perfect. But then your plans changed at the very last minute just like my luck had been for quite sometime and you left. Things began to change after  a few days of you moving there. I understood that you were obviously keeping very busy with your work and trust me I know how seriously you take your work, so I didn’t want to intrude. I tried contacting you several times, but there was no use, either the network was bad or my luck. I visited your town a couple of times for work and really tried very hard to meet you again and again. Then finally, the timing matched and you agreed to meet. I took out my suit that I was carrying to wear just incase I would be able to meet you, found out about the best restaurants that serve dinner in candle light. I know its all a bit too cheesy for your taste, but can’t help it. I just wanted everything to be romantically perfect again this time. And then reality slapped me again and hard this time. You had forgotten about the plan we made to meet and had gone to a birthday party. You called and apologized and I agreed, because I know that you would never lie for such a thing, you were way beyond all this. And I came back home, sad yet content to have heard your voice after months. Since then a whole year has passed by and I still feel like that child in school who first saw you and fell in love instantly. I asked you again via text message, which was the dumbest thing to do, I know but I had lost all hope of meeting you ever, and I just hated the feeling when I called you and you didn’t answer, it felt like I was bothering you. And trust me it’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have to be bothering someone you love and adore so truly, that even truth would define itself with it to a lie.

I am still living in the hope that someday you will feel what I feel for you, see what I see in you, dream what I dream with you. And hold my hand to pull me so close to you that only time could pass by from between us and nothing else would matter. You and I would come together forever, till time will spare us, I will look at you every morning with the same look I looked at you when you prayed. I too prayed but only to be with you, forever and ever and ever…….

 

Yours Truly,

The Guy For Whom You Are ‘Love’